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tenyearsinabeaglecollaredshirt

ponderous poetry for the hoi polloi

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humour

Jesuspiggy

Smokey bacon, cumberland,

Porco due, oh far from bland,

M’eyes bigger than m’pork belly, belly bigger than my ‘ands,

You’re smokey bacon, girl, and I’m Sir Cumberland!

Oink!

Jelly

Panna cotta, parson’s green,

In envious sleep come envious dreams,

For jealousy comes in gelatinous screams,

Cursedly stealing my mind.

 

Pink peppercorn, ham hock terrine,

Viscidity spoils these teeth so clean,

But savoury hearts deserve the sweetest of creams,

When bitterness returns back home.

 

Strawberry, blackberry, take your pick,

And despite too much jelly I’ll never be sick,

Of this tutti frutti arithmetic,

Which makes my heart soften with joy.

 

Ninnina mia.

Happenstance

Behind black sapphire blankets I dream of romance,

Around stricken matches Luna Moths do dance,

And I’ll pretend that this is all happenstance,

When I wantonly want only you.

 

Across amazonite ponds I’ll give in to chance,

Faced with beauty so blinding I’ll dare to glance,

And pretend that this is all happenstance,

When I wantonly want only you.

 

Beyond beryl is her countenance,

From great green gestures to hypnotic trance,

To pretend that this is all happenstance,

Is absurd, my love, and I hope you don’t mind,

That I wantonly

Want only

You.

Couleur Cardinal

Oh amore mio!

(And more and more I do love you),

In darkness unnerving I hang here and struggle,

But I carry on trying to

Cling on to the end of a strawberry lace,

Lost in sugary space,

How I long to tickle that

Stick of dynamite between your teeth…

 

Oh amore mio!

(And more and more and more I do love you),

But while I try with all my might,

To taste that dynamite,

It feels like donkey’s ears since I lit the fruity fuse

That trickles from the Couleur Cardinal

You so vexingly pass off as lips,

Oh!

If only time would shake a leg!

Cat o’ nine tails

Come come Cat o’ nine tails,

Oh tease me

With your wicked whispers

Fired straight from a bolt gun into

My grateful ears,

Young whippersnapper

Whip me into shape,

My girl (that’s you!)

With nine lives to live,

And one life of mine to superintend…

 

Oh please,

Please, please please!

Just dig your claws into me and

Paint a red-hot tapestry,

To match the markings on your back,

(Eh don’t copy!)

But imitation is the best way to keep you near,

In times when you’re not here,

For I’ll try everything just to keep you close to

Me.

Ee bah gum

Ee bah gum,

You’re a reyt bobby dazzler,

Daft as a brush,

Go easy on me tiger,

Little rascal to tackle,

Fruitcake appetiser,

So beautifully and brutally honest!

 

My honouree tyke,

You sure do tek a good likeness,

Lucky stripe, that’s right

No soul on earth quite like you for niceness,

Your brightness is blinding,

In hiding, I’m finding,

That absence makes the heart grow fonder

(No relation to Henry)!

The Knife

A sharp-tongued knife on buttered toast,

Her lips so flush sing jam-soaked notes,

No there’s nowt richer, nowt more grandiose,

Than the sharp-tongued knife that does sweeten my

Toast.

Kleptomaniac

Oh!

Let me enjoy the sweet taste of revenge,

And steal a kiss from the

Kleptomaniac’s

Lips.

 

Miss Goody Goody Two Shoes

Miss Goody Goody Two Shoes,

Bootlicker, spaniel,

As pure a nun’s two level feet,

With no heel to aggravate the earth,

Soft-soaping, unsullied sop,

Blowing bubbles with every word…

 

“Oh my what clean teeth you have!”

“All the better to sweet talk you with…”

But how sickly sweet is the cloying smell of worship,

Working up a lather at the back of your

Throat,

White amaryllis,

Am I right in thinking?

That only silver queens pass the test of time.

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